Category: Parent Talk
My dad is a decent, mind your own business sort of person. He stays out of others' affairs, including his grown childrens'. My mom is a thoroughly meddlesome, toxic individual. She had kids for all the stupid reasons, like "It wasn't even thought of for married women in my day not to have children." Well *&^%& think of something original for a change. Where would any of us be if no one had an original thought? Probably not have innovations like the telephone or the worldwide web.
Anyway, her way of acknowledging her granddaughter is through stuff. Not the occasional or once a year nice gift that will truly be memorable, but a ton of unwanted, un asked for every time we turn around something is delivered stuff. Some of it is insulting, stuff I could get at Target if I wanted it that bad. Some is stuff I would never buy her, like very short shorts and extremely formal dresses. Some of it is books I don't enjoy, some I have actually given away, others are for an obviously older child. It is as if I am too lazy, or too indigent, or too unmotivated to buy for my daughter even her most basic needs or a book to read, this (*&^%%I thinks she must do it for me.
I think she's missing out on the joy of that occasional gift. It caused problem when she went to her little friend's birthday party, then cried when her friend went to open her gifts because she thought, through always receiving stuff, the gifts should be hers. I don't believe in spoiling kids. It intentionally cuts accross my limits because I have stated I don't want any more stuff for Mimi, I don't have the Santa Claus mindset a lot of people who live near me have. Her response: "I would have loved for your grandparents to send me anything at all for you" and to keep sending more. So recently my dad had balloon angioplasty. I wasn't sure if he'd live or die. Mimi let out a torrent of frustrations I had released earlier while she was talking on the phone with her grandmom. I get back a teary "I wanted to be a grandmother like neither you nor I had. We can't be there, and you never come to Florida, so what's left, and it just gets her all upset. There's nothing else I can do for her, and Mr. Sponge is always complaining, so there's nothing more I can do." Very manipulative, as she knew, with my dad on the edge, I wouldn't be likely to make the situation worse by saying anything. Also very manipulative in that I had planned to go to Florida in the spring, but she knew well I was sidelined in February with pneumonia and couldn't work for two weeks, and private jobs have more limited vacation and carry over time than government. Like I prayed for pneumonia just so I couldn't travel?! Also, Mr Sponge doesn't complain like her exaggeration, quite frankly it
s me doing the complaining about her spoiling, especially since some of the stuff she buys she knows I don't like and have told her I didn't want. Does anyone else think spoiling like this is messed up or am I alone in this thought?
Maybe she's trying to overcompensate for what she thinks was a bad situation for you and her when you were younger. But there is something she could do to be there, and that is Facebook. You guys could post pictures on there. Also a web cam (very inexpensive now) and Skype. I have friends who do this, and it's like they're in each other's living room, grandparents and grandkids. Certainly she ought to respect your wishes, and not buy stuff you don't want. She does have options without you taking time off work.
It does put you in an awward position when your parents are doing something for your child that you do not like (giving them too many presents/too much candy etc). On one hand you like the fact they are loved by their grand parents, but also you feel awkward pointing this out since they are, after all, your parents and you used to believe (well, most people did) your parents always knew best and it feels weird to kind of take control when they are concerned.
Not that we have had any major issues with our parents and our kids, though there may have been some excessive candy and spoilage when we visited, but that is natural I suppose.
But we're not clutter fans, too many cars, too many dvds do not do your kids any good. Why not suggest your mom saves up the price of the small gifts for a flight to Florida, this stuff adds up and dependeing where you live in the U.S., flights can be quite reasonable if you buy in advance or during special offers.
That is, of course, if you want to go there. ;)
Cheers
-B
I'm not sure why getting certain gifts would be insulting but I can certainly see that getting ones that wouldn't interest your daughter isn't a good thing. It's also really shitty when the poor kid is confused by her friend's opening her birthday gift because your daughter thought that she should be the one receiving them. I'm sorry, but why do you put up with someone like this? If I were you, I'd keep my dad in my life and x my mom out of it and of my daughter's. Neither of you need someone who causes that kind of drama, and either your mother should get it, after a long hard talk in which the affect it's having on Mimi is discussed, or pay the consequences. If she really wants to be there for her granddaughter, she should call her, write her letters, send photos, things like that. Even if she actually made her things (occasionally, not all the time) that would be nice and memorable.
I do not think your wrong for not liking the spoiling. :) My Mom is a grandmother to two, and she gets what is needed or what they will like for birthday, xmas, easter, etc. On occasions she will get a small gift if she is out with them...Admittedly she lives next door to them, and to say the least that is a situation that could drive her nuts, but that is for another topic. However, the thing with spoiling is all of this "it is all about me" mentallity that more and more people seem to be developing. It is not healthy for friendships (or future relationships of any kind), or your daughter, IMO.
Do you think your mom would come visit u since u can't come visit her just yet? That could be another way she could u and her grand daughter. Gifts are nice, but i think it's more important to spend time and make memories with your family.
I think that is rude of your parents to do that to you
Could you just not accept the packages, return them to your mother, when they arrive, and don't even open them? Seems she'd get the message, and I assume you've talked this over with her, already, so it wouldn't come as a great surprise.
Wow. This reminds me so much of my mom's "war" with my grandmother. And it was my dad's mother, not hers. The whole reason behind it is that for years my father's family, minus his dad, felt that my dad had married beneath him and therefore treated her like worse than second class. When the Petersons got together for boardgames or whatever it was as if my mom didn't exist. Wel then my brother, sister and I were born and my grandma basically turned my brother against my mom whenever he would visit her by spoiling him rotten and then telling him what my mom was doing wrong. It made my brother into an arrogant jerk to the point where my mom was glad when he moved out. It wasn't until he got a girl pregnant at twenty that he began to grow up. But it was due in part to things like what you're describing. She'd give him presents and sweets to the point where he expected my mom to treat him the same way.
Yes it does sound like she's in love with the idea of something, not your daughter or the relationship you have. Either the extreme spoilers or extreme punishers are often like this. Another crop for my game preserve.
I agree, though I also agree that it shouldn't be as big a problem as perhaps you think. there are lots of poor children who would probably love some of the stuff she is sending, or you could simply keep it for when she's older, hide it where she can't see it and so on.
I clearly stated I wanted no more stuff for Mimi, I was trying to raise a child, not a spoiled brat. She disregards that & keeps sending more. What sort of warped human being outside of stalkers intentionally disregards another's wishes? Someone who doesn't want a relationship w that human being. I allow Mimi to talk with her by phone, but a lot of this stuff, once her visit is over in a few weeks, is probably going to St Vincent de Paul Society.
a grandmother....
I've been there. I guess a lot of them just think that since they've raised a child they know how to do it better...
I'll be completely honest with you here. When I saw this title, I was expecting a child abuse or neglect topic. There's really nothing wrong with sending gifts, although I certainly agree with you that it can't be all about the gifts. What is that teaching your daughter?
My nana often spoiled me too as a child, and she'll admit it to this day, but her idea of spoiling me was to take me out to dinner, to the park, and that sort of thing. Sure, I got gifts from her, but only on the occasions such as Christmas and my birthday.
I definitely agree with others here who say that she should be saving up for a ticket to come visit, not to buy gifts all the time. Although, the Salvation Army can always use new items.